I hate myself
Friday, 14 December 2012 @ 09:01 | 0 comments

Oh, I admit. I'm not good in persuade a person or what ever. If that person sulk with me, I'll just be sorry,don't be mad. Urgh, I hate myself a lot. And that really breaks me. Today is the so not best day ever. Everyone is not in the mood. Moody all the time. I hate when someone using a high voices towards me. I'm an easily touched person.

Why can't I be happy just for once? Atleast for a second or a few minutes? Why must have heartbrokes in this world? Why must have backstabbers? Why must have heartbreakers? Why must have thieves? Why must have bad peoples? Seriously, I'm tired with all the bullshits that some people bring to my life. Sometimes, I feels like running away from this world..... I feels like I want to quit from this life. I'm done. I'm too tired. But mama said, I'm still young. There is happiness. Maybe not now. Eventually it will be, better.

Well, I hope that's true......

So today, I just made Haikal's mad or sad or idk how he felt. He said I gave too much excuses. I didn't even mean to gave too much excuses. Well, If it is my faults, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to give too much excuses.. Seriously, I didn't mean to. I don't want to make you feels upset or what...... Never. But I just did. And I feels so bad. I'm a bad person. I felt really bad..

Maybe I can't have a partner? Maybe I was not meant to be in a relationship? Maybe I was not a good person? Maybe I was created for being alone? Maybe...............? Who knows? That's why I'm scared to accept Haikal's love. Because I know, I can never makes my partner happy. Maybe he happy at the first time, then later he will be sad? I'm so useless.....

I feels like crying now. Idk why I like this......... Hopeless. Careless. Useless. What else? There is nothing that good about me. I'm a mean person. I'm not a good friend. Sometimes, I feels like killing myself,well ofcourse it's a sin. I don't wanna to get into hellfire. I'm scared. Ya Allah ):

I should be alone to prevent other people's heart to be broken by me. I don't want to attach to any other people anymore. Enough. There is so many, I mean too many  people's heart that I've broke. It breaks me too. I didn't even mean to break their hearts. It just happens. I'm a disaster haihhhhhh. But I'm very sure Allah creates me for something else. I just want to make other people around me happy, but cannot. People who knows me will be sad............ Ah this makes me cry... haha. I'm not meant to plays this part.

I will never pass for a perfect daughter, Can it be, I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see that if I truly to be myself I would break my family's heart. Who is that girl I see, Staring straight back at me, Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow, I cannot hide. Who I am. Though I've tried. When will my reflection show who I am inside?... :'(

Muhammad Haikal bin Jalil ♥
"I love him forever "